Wanted! Stories or Poems

The Americans have Barack Obama Johnny Cash Bob Nope and Stevie Wonder We have Enda Kenny no cash no hope and no wonder.
Thought it was a good one

Two old timers were fishing from a pier one day. The first one says that two days earlier he had caught a huge perch from that very spot where they were fishing. He streches his hands about two and a half feet apart to indicate the size of his catch.

The second fisherman says that a week earlier he had snagged some debris on the sea floor in that same spot. He was tempted to cut the fishing line, but at the last second he had a feeling that he should try to retrieve whatever junk the fishook had grabbed. He reeled it in, and to his amazement, he had pulled up a brass lantern from an old wooden sailing ship. Even more amazing, he told the fist fisherman, there was a lit candle inside the lantern.

The first fisherman rolled his eyes and muttered an insult under his breath.

The second fisherman says,"You take six inches off of that @#%&ing perch and I'll blow out the candle.".

Hah, that was a good laugh Patsy.





Subject: Fwd: Golf Balls!!!!
A man entered a bus carrying a few golf clubs and both of his front pockets stuffed full of golf balls. He sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging trousers. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “They're golf balls.”Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer She asked... “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?”

Mike and his pregant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water,no electricity, etc, etc. One night, Mikes' wife begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What do you want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes." the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. "Mike you're the father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I.....'' "Before Mike can finish the doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute, Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter." "Thanks be to......" Again the Doctor cuts in "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "DO YOU THINK IT'S THE LIGHT THAT'S ATTRACTING THEM?"

Hi Ann sorry to hear you were ill Missed you from the conference .

it is amazing how sounds and often smells bring us back in time for me it is the call of the cuckoo .
long hot summer days walking from school melting tar between our toes eating beries of every description to kill the hunger we even went in to this farmers field and ate the raw cabbage and turnips .I can assure you when we reached home .there was no lunch menu on the table and no left overs .
I remember those toffey slabs we ust to get on Sundays
Our lunch going to school was home baked bread with butter . when we had it otherwise it was the cream from the top of the milk and sprinkled with sugar
I see my grand children now and they are asked what you want for lunch tomorrow .and these are the same parents and children who think times are hard today
and some parents would drive their cars and jeeps through the school doors if they were wide enough .in case little darlings should complain about the pressures of having to walk.
I think we were happier and more content any views ..

Kathy

Lucy, and everyone, I haven't been here in a while, and now I am recovering from a mysterious virus that has left me feeling, well, grey inside and looking grey without. With PD you need your health don't you - an apparent contradiction in terms but there you go.

Can't even think to write. Me short of a few words, there's the day!

The damp weather isn't the exception for our summers, as I remember many such as a child, sitting by the window 'hawing' on the glass and drawing matchstick men, quickly, before the condensation that formed the base for the art dissipated, and then on to the next masterpiece, another matchstick man, all the while waiting for the rain to end so I could go out to play. There was no such thing as parents arranging for friends to come and play - we amused ourselves in those more austere days. They were days when everyone's standard of living was more basic. A packet of Marietta biscuits with butter and jam, two stuck together and squeezed until the filling came out the holes (They were a flat biscuit, about as plain as a biscuit could be, and had a companion in the slightly larger variation, suitably called Marie, and Marie being the older sister, her borders were fluted whereas Marietta's were plain) was a real treat.

Anyone remember the bars of Cleeves toffee. Dad used to bring a slab bar home and we five (as we were then) would get two pieces each, broken carefully off the pre-segmented slab. The little squares were to be savoured, and Sparps was another similar we liked even more possibly because it only came home occasionally. Red letter days (not holy days or public holidays which were marked in the calendars in red ink, hence the name, but the phrase was also used to describe memorable days) saw three pieces given out.

Th first packets of crisps had the salt in a little sachet inside the packs - remember them. Tayto.

Now where did that all come from!

A long suffering wife and her nagging husband went on holiday to Jerusulem. While they were there the husband took ill and died. The undertaker said madam you can have him shipped home at a cost of $5000 or you an have him buried here in this holy place for $150. The woman thought for a while and said I think I will have him shipped home. I dont understand said the undertaker sure it would be lovely to be buried in this wonderful place. Well said the wife a long time ago there was a man buried here and three days later he rose from the dead and I just cant take that chance.

A small town prosecuting attorny called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you have'nt the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher, Yes I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he poionted across the room and asked, "Mrs Williams, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationshi with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point he judge raapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes.

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90mph, enjoying the wind blowing in his hair.

Amazing, he thought as he flew down the M50 enjoying pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and sirens blaring.

I can get away from him no problem, thought the elderly nutcase.As he floored it to 110mph then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly he thought, What on earth am i doing? I'm too old for this nonsense. So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the drivers side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes, Today is friday and I'm taking off for the weekend, if you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before,I'll let you go."

The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I though you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day sir," said the Policeman.

Or how about
"Lord help the mister
Who gets between me and my sister,
But Lord help the sister
Who gets between me and my man"!!

Part of a song from a musical??

Irving Berlin wrote the lyrics, but more I don't know...

Ladies (and gents), is it OK to start putting some of this material together and try and get the preliminary editing spelling, apostrophes etc. done??
Also, a title for a book?

I am leaving this page tonight in much better form than when I arrived, thanks to you all.

Love it Katie. I'm glad you've written it because you'd all eat me alive if it came from me!

Can think of a few more but the only one I know for sure we have in common is:

Giving out to/ about their kids /family member is ok but God help anyone else ( outside the family) who tries to do the same

Irishness is.....

Describing someone with longstanding, persistent and untreated psychosis as "a chancer"

Saying "Theres definitely no recession here!" every time you see more than 5 people in a pub.

Saying "Ah but he's very good to his mother" about some utter langer.

Your Ma and Da greeting you with the phrase"ah d'ya know who's dead"

The mini heart attack you get if you go out and forget to turn off the imersion.

You're not drinking???? Are you on antibiotics.

Wall paper on your school books.

Being "Grand"!!

Boiling everything in a huge pot for 3 hours.

Learning a language for 12 years and still not being fluent.

Going absolutely mental at concerts because famous people rarely come over.

Calling Joe Duffy instead of the guards....

Never try to outsmart Woman
-------------------------------

A man who worked hard all his life saved all his money he was a miser .
before he died he asked his wife to collect all his money and put it in his Coffin with him When he died He was stretched out in his coffin and his sobbing wife sitting beside him .just as the undertaker was about to close the coffin the wife said wait a minute she produced a box and put it in the coffin her friend said girl i cannot believe you were fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband the loyal wife replied listen i am a christian i can't go back on my word you mean ton tell me you put all that money in he coffin with him.

Yep I sure did said the wife I got it all together put it into my account and wrote him cheque If he can cash it he can spend it ..

Three Irishmen were sitting in the pub window watching the front door of the brothel across the road. The local Methodist pastor approached and quickly goes inside. "Would you look at that"says the first Irishman, "didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth, when a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks and goes quickly inside. "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and silly hats" says the second Irishman. They continue drinking their beer, roundly condeming the Vicar and the Rabbi, when they see their own Catholic Priest knock on the door. "Ah now thats sad" said the third irishman "One of the girls must have died"!



Save the earth, its the only planet with CHOCOLATE

Husband walks in the door seven in the morning wife says to him do you have a good excuse coming in this hour yes he answered Breakfast
which was delivered with the frying pan across the head ..

cathy

Good one Marie,

A laugh, even at our own expense, is always good!!

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approaches a blonde sitting in first class and asks her to move to economy since she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving'. The flight attendant asks the co-pilot to speak with her but again the blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving'. The co-pilot asks the captain what should he do. The captain says 'I'm married to a blonde. I know how to handle this'. He goes and whispers in the blonde's ear and she immediately jumps up and runs to the economy section. 'What did you say?' asks the flight attendant. The captain replies 'I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York'.

Sorry ladies another one at our expense.

How about one from the men (and I don't mean you Jb).

Don't read anything into that jb, you know what I mean......

How right you are Katie! Wish I'd listened more in my life.

My turn tomorrow......

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."

For the first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most hansome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to. The woman replied, "Thats okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you. The woman said, "That's okay, because whats mine is his, and what's his is mine."

So KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world.

The frog then enquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: WOMEN ARE CLEVER, DON'T MESS WITH THEM.


ATTENTION FEMALE READERS; THIS IS THE END OF THE JOKE FOR YOU. STOP HERE, AND CONTINUE FEELING GOOD......



MALE READERS; PLEASE SCROLL DOWN






The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!!!!!!

MORAL OF THE STORY; WOMEN ARE REALLY DUMB BUT THINK THEY ARE REALLY SMART. LET THEM CONTINUE TO THINK THAT WAY AND JUST ENJOY THE SHOW.


PS: If you are a woman and still reading this; it only goes to show..........

THAT WOMEN NEVER LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!

MarieB wrote:Where do you get them from. This one is sickingly hilarious for me, being the air phobic that I now am!

Still really enjoyed it. Thanks for making me laugh so early in the day

ps I could get withdrawal symptoms if I'm not treated to your jokes first thing each day so please........one more tomorrow.......please

Same here Katie & Marie, i'm still laughing..

Where do you get them from. This one is sickingly hilarious for me, being the air phobic that I now am!

Still really enjoyed it. Thanks for making me laugh so early in the day

ps I could get withdrawal symptoms if I'm not treated to your jokes first thing each day so please........one more tomorrow.......please

Two blind pilots are both wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the isle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sigh that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge theat the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says "Ya know Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die"

Brilliant Katie.... Just read it to my ' not quite so perfect' husband who thought it was really good

Good to start the day laughing.

Marie x

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN; "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN; "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only 2,000euro. Is it ok if I buy it?"

MAN; "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN; "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new model which I really liked.
MAN; How much?
WOMAN; 90,000
MAN; OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN; Great, and one more thing, I found the house of my dreams for only 980,000.
MAN; Well go ahead and make an offer of 900,000, they will probably take that, if not we can go the extra 80,000,if thats what you really want.

WOMAN; OK, I'll see you later, I love you so much.
MAN; Bye, I love you too.

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "ANYONE KNOW WHOSE PHONE THIS IS?"

Brilliant poetry guys, how you do it Jb beats me,the words seem to flow from you..