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Humour/Laughter

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1 Humour/Laughter on 16/1/2011, 1:11 pm

Patsy

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First topic message reminder :

ALL

Us Parkies do need laughter, so come on lets hear your jokes (clean jokes please) stories, or anything that will make us laugh.



Have a nice weekend.

Patsy !! (peaches)


51 Re: Humour/Laughter on 28/7/2011, 5:12 am

ems

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Here here Marie! very good Katie..and George philips good one..
I'm just wondering if Lucy received any postcards yet..lol, hey Lucy??

52 Humour on 28/7/2011, 4:41 am

MarieB


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Brilliant Katie. That one about the biker really made me (and the other half) laugh. Thanks.

53 Understanding Women on 27/7/2011, 8:37 pm

katie


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A man was riding his harley along a california beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so i can ride over anytime I want. "The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things, Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind"

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy."


The Lord replied.........."You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" Very Happy

54 Re: Humour/Laughter on 27/7/2011, 3:16 am

katie


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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE

George Phillips was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "is someone in your house?" and he said no. They said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay" hung up, counted to thirty, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them". Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars,and armed response unit and an ambulance showed up at the house and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to george; "I thought you said that you'd shot them".

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!.

DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!!!!!! Laughing

55 Re: Humour/Laughter on 16/7/2011, 2:15 am

lucy

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A cowboy rode into town on friday
he stayed for 3 days
and left on friday
how did he do it


Answers on a postcard please to lucy

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

56 I wouldn't of fallen for that one on 1/7/2011, 12:52 am

jb49

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Gee Katie, if I was one of the dealers,dedicated to the casino, I would of quickly closed my eyes and peeked only at the roll of the dice and nothing else. Nosiree, no way would I be distracted, and forgoot wat eye wuss supppooosed 2 bbbeeee duing here un tthe beach, juzt the 2 of uzz ..........what happened! Where did she go!

katie


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An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand euro on a single roll of the dice.

She said,'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,

'Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... YES,YES, I WON, I WON, I WON!

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clother and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll? The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY................

NOT ALL IRISH ARE STUPID, NOT ALL BLONDES ARE DUMB, BUT ALL MEN ARE MEN!!!!!..... Smile

58 "A Quix" on 20/6/2011, 1:31 pm

Patsy

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Get your thinking caps on;

(1) What is the longest word typed with only the left hand ??
(2) What is the longest word typed with your right hand ??
(3) There are 4 words in the English language that No word rhymes with?
(4) There is only one word that ends with the letters "mt" ??
(5) There is one sentence which uses every letter of the alphabet ??
(6) There are only 3 words that are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left ??
(7) There are only 4 words which end in "dous" ??
(Cool What is the longest word, using the letters only on one row of the keyboard ??
(9) What fish can blink with both eyes ??
(10) What mth/year in recorded hstory has not had a full moon ??
(11) What year was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid ??
(Jb would know the answer to this one)
`

For the answers SCROLL DOWN >>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>
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>

(1) "Stewardesses"
(2) "Lollipop"
(3) month, orange, silver, or purple.
(4) "Dreamt"
(5) "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
(6) 'racecar,' 'kayak,' and 'level,'
(7) tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
(Cool TYPEWRITER.
(9) A Shark
(10) February 1865.
(11) 1932 (Jb I hope that is right)






59 Re: Humour/Laughter on 20/6/2011, 12:06 pm

Patsy

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Jb I Like it,

!! Old maid's burgler !!

A story I'll tell of a burglar bold
Who started to rob a house:
He opened the window, and then crept in
As quiet as a mouse.
He looked around for a place to hide,
'Till the folks were all asleep,
Then said he, "With their money
I'll take a quiet sneak"
So under the bed the burglar crept:
He crept up close to the wall:
He didn't know it was an old maid's room
Or he wouldn't have had the gall,
He thought of the money that he would steal,
As under the bed he lay:
But at nine o'clock he saw a sight
That made his hair turn grey,
At nine o'clock the old maid came in:
"I am so tired" she said
She thought that all was well that night
So she didn't look under the bed.
She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,
And the hair from off her head;
The burgler, he had forty fits
As he watched from under the bed.
From under the bed the burgler crept,
He was a total wreck;
The old maid wasnt asleep at all
As she grabbed him by the neck.
She didn't holler, or shout or call,
She was as cool as a clam;
She only said, "The saints be praised,
At last I've got a man"
From under the pillow a gun she drew,
And to the burglar she said,
"Young man, if you don't marry me,
I'll blow off the top of your head!"
She held him firmly by the neck,
He hadn't a chance to scoot;
He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,
And said, "MADAM, for Pete's sake SHOOT!"

60 Re: Humour/Laughter on 16/6/2011, 9:49 pm

jb49

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A magician had a good thing on the go. He was doing a show every night on the cruise ship for the summer. Unfortunately for him though, the Captains prize parrot was in the lounge for every show and saw the tricks night after night. What used to be pure ooohs and aaahhss from the crowd were being punched full of holes by the bloody parrot who would squack at the joke's end with "Awk, he switched hats, screech, it is a different rabbit, squacckk, the deck is all Aces of Spade, and oock, there is a back door on the cabinet" Etc. The illusions were starting to fall flat as the questioning crowd turned to the parrot night after night. The magician grew to hate that parrot, but it was the captains.

Then one night, during an elaborate illusion, a huge explosion took place in the engine room and the ship sunk within minutes. Daylight found the magician floating alone on the ocean clinging to his Magic Trunk. On the top side of it was the damned Parrot. They stared at each other for two days while drifting on the empty sea till finally the Parrot said:
"Awkkk, I give up, where are you hiding the ship?" pirat

61 Re: Humour/Laughter on 27/5/2011, 11:04 am

Patsy

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*****************************

The six most important words -

I AM SORRY, I WAS WRONG.


The five most important words -

YOU DID IT VERY WELL.


The four most important words -

WHAT DO YOU THINK?


The three most important words -

I LOVE YOU.


The two most important words -

THANK YOU.


The one most important word -

WE.


The least important word -

I.

****************************

62 Re: Humour/Laughter on 27/5/2011, 10:23 am

Patsy

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lucy wrote:
Patsy wrote: GOLDEN RULES OF LIVING

If you open it, close it.
If you turn it on, turn it off.
If you unlock it, lock it up.
If you break it, admit it.
If you can't fix it, call in someone who can,
If you borrow it, return it,
If you value it, take care of it,
If you make a mess, clean it up,
If you move it, put it back,
If it belongs to someone else and you want to use
it, ask permission,
If you don't know how to operate it, leave it alone,
If it's none of your business, don't ask questions,
If it ain't broke, don't fix it,
If it brightens someone's day, say it,
If it will tarnish someone's reputation, Keep it to yourself. Smile sunny lol!
My neighbours family are in their late teens and twenties and she says this is their rules of living
1 never close it
2 dont even think of turning it off
3 lose the key
4 never admit it
5 take it apart anyway
6 wait until they come looking for it
7 loan it to someone
8 leave it for someone else to clean
9 never leave it back where you found it
10 why ask use it anyway
11 press all the buttons one of them is bound to work
12 make it your business
13 break it you can always buy a new one
14 dont say it
15 put it on facebook

63 The Brothel Parrot on 26/5/2011, 3:31 am

katie


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A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that siad 50euro.

Why so little, she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and saud, 'look I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff'.

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room,then at her, and said, New house, new madam'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought'thats really not so bad'

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said 'New house, new madam, new girls'.

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later,the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

'Hi Keith'

64 Re: Humour/Laughter on 26/5/2011, 3:16 am

lucy

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Patsy wrote: GOLDEN RULES OF LIVING

If you open it, close it.
If you turn it on, turn it off.
If you unlock it, lock it up.
If you break it, admit it.
If you can't fix it, call in someone who can,
If you borrow it, return it,
If you value it, take care of it,
If you make a mess, clean it up,
If you move it, put it back,
If it belongs to someone else and you want to use
it, ask permission,
If you don't know how to operate it, leave it alone,
If it's none of your business, don't ask questions,
If it ain't broke, don't fix it,
If it brightens someone's day, say it,
If it will tarnish someone's reputation, Keep it to yourself. Smile sunny lol!
My neighbours family are in their late teens and twenties and she says this is their rules of living
1 never close it
2 dont even think of turning it off
3 lose the key
4 never admit it
5 take it apart anyway
6 wait until they come looking for it
7 loan it to someone
8 leave it for someone else to clean
9 never leave it back where you found it
10 why ask use it anyway
11 press all the buttons one of them is bound to work
12 make it your business
13 break it you can always buy a new one
14 dont say it
15 put it on facebook

65 Re: Humour/Laughter on 25/5/2011, 11:19 am

Patsy

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GOLDEN RULES OF LIVING

If you open it, close it.
If you turn it on, turn it off.
If you unlock it, lock it up.
If you break it, admit it.
If you can't fix it, call in someone who can,
If you borrow it, return it,
If you value it, take care of it,
If you make a mess, clean it up,
If you move it, put it back,
If it belongs to someone else and you want to use
it, ask permission,
If you don't know how to operate it, leave it alone,
If it's none of your business, don't ask questions,
If it ain't broke, don't fix it,
If it brightens someone's day, say it,
If it will tarnish someone's reputation, Keep it to yourself. Smile sunny lol!

66 Re: Humour/Laughter on 22/5/2011, 12:08 am

Patsy

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67 Three men on a hike on 18/5/2011, 2:21 am

katie


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Three men were hiking through a forest when the came upon a large raging,violent river, needing to get to the other side, the firt man prayed

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof!..God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that,the second man prayed; God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.

Poof! god gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed; God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'

Poof!..He turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge!........

GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

68 Priceless on 12/5/2011, 10:36 am

katie


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Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending one of his office colleagues leaving party.

He didnt even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work. As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes,and the first thing he saw was a couple of asprins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of seeet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning. A note from his wife on the pillow read 'I'll ring your office and tell them you wont be in today, breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it east today, hope your eye doesnt hurt too much. See you tonight I love you darling. Jillian

He stumbled to the kitchen,and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper, His teenage son was sitting at the table eating. Jack braced himself, asked his son what happened the previous night. 'Well, you came home after 3am drunk and out of your mind, you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So why is everything in such perfect order, asprins by the bed, a nice note from mum and breakfast waiting for me? His son replied, OH THAT! Mum dragged you into the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, Leave me alone you slapper, I'm married!!

Broken coffee table 250 euro
Hot breakfast 3.50
two asprin 20


Saying the right thing at the right time.........PRICELESS

69 Re: Humour/Laughter on 11/5/2011, 1:37 am

jb49

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The bank robbery was well underway when the mask fell away from the thief's face. Sorry he said to the manager, you saw my face and shot him dead. With his face covered again he asked if anyone else saw who he was. "I didn't" spoke up an elderly man in the lineup, with closed eyes as he pointed to his wife. "But I think she maybe got a good look"

70 Re: Humour/Laughter on 10/5/2011, 7:58 pm

katie


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Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses 500euro on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue to play standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. Discreet??? says Gallagher, 'I'm the most discreet Irishman you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs Murphy answers the door and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost 500 euro and is afraid to come home.' 'Tell him to drop dead!' says Murphy's wife.
OK I'LL GO TELL HIM' says Gallagher........

71 Re: Humour/Laughter on 9/5/2011, 10:39 pm

jb49

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Well Em, now that you mention it, it does require a bit of effort to keep you Irish Ladies in line, in fact I think you are pretty independent thinkers and pretty much do what you want to and now that I think about it and I'm not doing anything to keep you in line. And never could. And I was wondering, is there a sign on this forum that says no men allowed because other than me, not that I am complaining, there doesn't seem to be many men voices. Love talking to you all, hope you keep me in line, so make me laugh again Katie, whats the joke today?

72 very good! on 9/5/2011, 5:50 pm

ems

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You're right patsy.. i love it katie..still laughing..and it's nice to see chat room building up slowly..slow is good though.

Thank you ladies..and jb thanks for keeping us in line..lol lol

73 yes! on 9/5/2011, 12:57 pm

jb49

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Im with Patsy, keep up the good work Katie!

74 Re: Humour/Laughter on 9/5/2011, 12:01 pm

Patsy

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Hi Katie
hope you are well.
It is lovely to see you contributing to the forum, keep it up.
What a pity more members don't do likewise.

Patsy !!!!!!!!

75 Re: Humour/Laughter on 9/5/2011, 8:26 am

katie


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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth sits down, but says nothing.
The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!

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