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Humour/Laughter

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1 Re: Humour/Laughter on 21/11/2011, 12:10 am

lucy

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Mary was sitting at home looking at her marrige certificate. What are you looking for Mary asked Paddy. The bloody expiry date says Mary.

2 The Welfare Check on 3/11/2011, 12:41 pm

katie


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A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight to the counter and said, Hi, you know....I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.

The social worker behind the counter said,

*Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 mercedes benz cl, and he will supply all your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.This is rather awkward to say but you will also as part of your job assignment to satisfy all her needs, she is in her twentys and is very attractive.

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, *You're bullshittin' me!

The social worker said, *Yeah well.....You started it*.



Katie

3 Re: Humour/Laughter on 30/10/2011, 6:55 am

rustytinman

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I tried viagra and I got the four hour condition that they warn you about. I couldn't go to work like that so I phoned the boss to explaian why I would be absent that day. He asked if I was going to call a doctor. I said not until it wears off.

4 Re: Humour/Laughter on 28/10/2011, 1:43 pm

jb49

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And Guys

Be careful if you use Viagra. My neighbour thought he would try a pill but he didn't swallow it fast enough and had a stiff neck all week! Shocked

5 Re: Humour/Laughter on 27/10/2011, 10:19 am

rustytinman

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LOL Katie

6 And then the fight started on 27/10/2011, 7:57 am

katie


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Saturday morning Bob got up early, quietly dressed, made a lunch and slipped quietly into the garage. Hooked up the boat to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed, now with a different intention,cuddled up to his wife's back and whispered, The weather out there is terrible.

His loving wife of five years replied *And can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?*


And that's how the fight started..............

7 Re: Humour/Laughter on 26/10/2011, 6:22 am

rustytinman

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nice one Katie - I am going to get some laughs around the office with that, thanks

8 Wife VS. Husband on 26/10/2011, 4:53 am

katie


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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted t concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules,goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, *Relatives of yours?*

*Yep* the wife replied, *In-laws*

9 laughter on 25/10/2011, 7:18 am

cathy

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two ladies chatting .im sorry to hear your bert's in hospital they say its his knee .yes says maggie i found a blonde sitting on it Wink

10 Re: Humour/Laughter on 24/10/2011, 7:39 pm

ems

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Brilliant Katie..love it!

11 Humour /laughter on 24/10/2011, 7:16 pm

MarieB


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Katie, you make my day.....


Am going to send this one to those concerned. It's brilliant.

Marie x

12 Re: Humour/Laughter on 24/10/2011, 7:12 pm

katie


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Grandparents funny answering machine

Good morning, at present we are not at home but please leave your message after you hear the bleep.
1 if you are one of our children, dial 1 and select 1 to 5 so we know who it is.
2 If you need us to stay with the children press 2.
3 If you want to borrow the car press 3.
4 If you want grandchildren to sleep here tonight press 4.
5 If you want us to pick kids up from school press 5.
6 If you want us to prepare sunday lunch and deliver to your
home press 6.
7 If you need money press 7.

If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us out to a restaurant....START TALKING.........WE ARE LISTENING!

13 Humour/laughter on 20/10/2011, 5:56 pm

MarieB


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Only you could have come up with that one Katie! I just love your sense of humour.

Marie

14 Re: Humour/Laughter on 20/10/2011, 10:41 am

katie


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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It stocks everything - Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers and crisps - the lot! Smile

15 Re: Humour/Laughter on 6/10/2011, 10:18 am

katie


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A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says *just for fun, MA i'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiance and you try and guess which one i'm going to marry*

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, *Ok ma Guess which one i"m going to marry*
She immediately replies, The Red head in the middle.
*Thats amazing, Ma, You're right, how did you know?..........

...............

...............


*I don't like her.*

16 Re: Humour/Laughter on 22/9/2011, 10:02 pm

jb49

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Ah! that is LOL Lucy, Patsy and Rusty

17 Re: Humour/Laughter on 22/9/2011, 1:12 am

lucy

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THE CHILDREN WERE TALKING ABOUT WHAT THEY WANTED FOR X-MAS AND DAD SAID IF THERE IS SOMETHING YOU REALLY WANT YOU HAVE TO WORK FOR IT, NOW KEEP QUIET THEY ARE ABOUT TO ANNOUNCE THE LOTTERY NUMBERS

18 A Mothers Wisdom !!!!!!! on 8/9/2011, 5:51 am

Patsy

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Nice one Mike.

A Mothers Wisdom

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had
long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his
roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of
the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you
must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother,

I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love John

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mum

19 poor dog on 8/9/2011, 3:32 am

rustytinman

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A man goes to a priest and asks if he could perform a funeral for a dog.

The priest said funerals were inappropriate for lesser beings who lacked souls.

The man said that was too bad because he had saved money over the years, knowing that he would most likely outlast his beloved canine companion. He told the priest that he was prepared to pay as much as $2500.00 to give his pet the kind of senoff that he deserved.

The priest says, "Wait a minute, you should have told me that Rex was catholic".

(not to stir up trouble in Ireland, substitute any religion you want and the joke works just as well)

20 Re: Humour/Laughter on 29/8/2011, 5:10 pm

ems

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Ha ha Patsy..thank you as you've just started my day off with a smile..very good.

21 Hanging Baskets on 29/8/2011, 11:27 am

Patsy

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Hanging Baskets

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on
and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You got let your
rosebuds show " and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting here with
no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has
friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweet. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can
display my hanging baskets."

22 Re: Humour/Laughter on 29/8/2011, 5:26 am

lucy

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Hey Marie Cathy and Katie great jokes

Loved the poem Cathy

23 humour on 29/8/2011, 3:21 am

cathy

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Teacher asked the class for a sentance with the word contagious.
first pupil yes miss my sister has measles and mom said they were contagious second child my sister has chickenpox and they are contagious ..third child says my mother is painting our kitchen our neighbour is doing it my mother said he is only using a small brush so it will take the c...t ages

24 humour on 29/8/2011, 3:10 am

cathy

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A Cat had three kittens Tommy Tibbs and tinkle Wat was the mothers name Answer WAT

25 Typical man! on 28/8/2011, 7:29 pm

katie


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A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish. "I want to travel round the world with my darling husband" says wife, two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand. Husband says "sorry but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." Fairy waves wand and husband becomes 92..............Moral of story - Men who are ungrateful b***ards should remember faries are FEMALE!!!!!!!! Wink

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